John Simmons

"If it's finals time and people try to save seats: move their shit. Who cares what shitty sorority they're in?? Help desk agrees too."

"I ordered a guacamole to go, and they gave me this bullshit size. They keep cutting down the servings. Completely overpriced and it only gets worse. Almost ready to give up on the place. Pathetic."

"New vending machines take up to 20 dollar bills, and give you precise change in ones! Very convenient for routine strip club patrons!!"

"Stop pissing all over my toilet seats."