Octavian

"Only £1 in! Just watch your step! Turtles and quails are real friendly!"

"Try one of their badass flapjacks. Probably not great for you, but man do they taste good!"

"You'd miss it if you didn't know it was there. Squat in the Swarcliffe Parade business park, snug next to the newsagents. Petite cafe and good portions!"

"Great chicken, great menu. The toilet smells like a homeless man is using it as a night time hideaway, however."

"Warmer than the earths core. Take your jacket off at the door."

"If the gingerbread men don't have purple buttons, they aren't worth buying."